Yes Way Rosé
Sunday April 5, 2020

Episode 3: Save the Drama for DeMario

Josh and Sofia are back for week 3 of The Final Rosé Report and are getting into it with the DRAMA. The season is heating up and so is their commentaré. Read along for this week’s recap.

Suggested Pairing for Episode 3: Wölffer Estate Rosé 2016, the ideal label and wine to sip while traveling along Rodeo Drive on horseback.

JOSH: Okay, there comes a time in our blogging lives when we need to address the real-life messiness of these contestants. Now is such a time.

Fia and I discussed at length how to handle this and we decided that we’d be remiss if we didn’t address this once and keep it moving. I, for one, find it insane that these producers didn’t scour the social media of every single contestant, especially during such a history-making season as this one. But it’s also entirely possible (or highly likely) that the producers knew exactly what Lee was all about but cast him anyway so that clickbait articles would be written and so that we would be talking about it right now. The previews for next week’s episode lead me to believe this is the more probable scenario. Which, if true, is extremely problematic. Were they that worried that they wouldn’t have good enough television this season? Anyway, on to the show…

“In order to experience joy, you need pain.”

Not exactly accurate, but it’s apparently one of DeMario’s favorite quotes that he spouts during his desperate attempt to talk his way back into the house and into Rachel’s heart. Then he goes on to replay the conversation he had with his Uber driver on his way over. But none of it is enough to win Rachel back. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we are seeing one of our strongest, most no-bullshit Bachelorettes ever.

SOFIA: As far as crimes in the bachelor/ette universe go – DeMario’s seems pretty standard issue. The red flag for me is not that he has a recent, ghosted ex in the wings, but that he choose to date someone like Lexi in the first place. That girl is nuts. And then, how he kept wanting to talk over Rachel when she’d clearly heard enough. That said, as much as I was hoping to see DeMario stick around for my viewing pleasure – I LOVE the way Rachel handled this. How empowering that the whole house of men came out hoping to “protect” her but she had already taken care of herself and thus shut down the crowd of knights in waiting with a simple, boss, “thanks but I’m good.”

It also looks like she had a pretty fantastic cocktail party. Luckily she has a great sense of humor, probably a little too great. With DeMario gone for good, Whaaaboooom becomes the newest target of all the guys (or, at least Blake the Aspiring Drummer). And with good reason – he’s a drunken waste of time who isn’t even all that funny.

THOSE HANDS! WTF with those big creepy hands?? They are straight out of Spirited Away – a movie that definitely gave me nightmares. The hands alone would be bad enough but are made worse by the fact that they were brought and worn by THE TICKLE MONSTER. Rachel says that Jonathan always makes her laugh but is it in a “laughing through the fear” way? Like if she stopped to actually take her emotional temperature she’d realize those laughs are muffled screams?

As far as the Rose Ceremony, I’m glad we’re getting down to a manageable number of guys whose names I can remember. Ultimately Rachel axes both Lucas and Blake, and also eliminates someone named Jamie? This extended argument between Lucas and Blake is pretty much a guarantee that we’re going to see both of them in Paradise this summer, yes?

While the extended (and we mean E X T E N D E D) fight between Lucas and Blake had nothing to do with Rachel – I still find it interesting to see people behave ridiculously for reasons that have nothing to do with producer prompts or edits. This fight about being a “failed comedian” vs a “failed trainer” and about which one of them “knew what funny was” was one of those moments for me. I also wouldn’t be surprised if these two get offered their own spin-off on Freeform. Lucas and Blake: Whaboom Ever After?

Is it weird that I wanted both of the outfits Ellen was in? I feel like middle aged lesbian is kind of my aesthetic? (A Zoolander style walk-off between you and Ellen is everything I never knew I always wanted) The other thing I loved about this episode was how committed it was to objectifying the men as much as possible. Russian Alex gets a thumbs up. There was not nearly enough Peter but I was glad to see he had cool tattoos. And to hear that he’s not above sending nude selfies.

Oh yeah, this game of never have I ever was pure Peter gold. My eye was always going to his card at answer time. (Although I do agree with Sharleen Joynt’s take on his response to the sex question.) And Mike Fleiss finally heard the cries from #bachelornation that we want ALL of our contestants objectified. For every girl riding a tractor in a bikini – I’m gonna need at least three dudes grinding on someone’s grandma on Ellen, thanks. And thank you Ellen for keeping it real that tickling someone upon first meeting is something that we #donotlike

See, this is what I was afraid of with Fred. I think no matter what, he’ll always be a little boy around Rachel, stammering and asking awkwardly if he can kiss her. And he always had a really tough road ahead to get Rachel to see him as anything other than a child. Which is supremely un-hot. My thing is, why on earth did Rachel bring a rose to dump him? That seemed kinda cruel and emotionally manipulative.

Please guys, if you are on a date with a girl, and it seems like “the moment has arrived” – don’t ask if you can kiss her. Lean in, and if she politely turns her cheek that is your cue to retreat. Poor Fred. Maybe he’ll grow up in Paradise.

Okay this horse date in Beverly Hills was kind of cute but it seems to be of questionable legality. And what store owner wants a giant horse taking a dump all over their floor?

You skipped right over Anthony and I think I know why…is it because there’s just…not much to talk about? Look, Anthony is attractive, smart, kind, tall, a Fulbright scholar. He played Football for Northwestern. He loves his family. His favorite author is Murakami, his favorite movie is Moonlight…there is not a lot to dislike here. BUT – I just don’t see the SPARKS and neither, I think, does Rachel. This is the kind of man who makes it to…top 8-10 probably – before the lead says, “you’re going to be a great husband to someone…but that someone is not me.”

You’re right. I think I just completely glossed over Anthony. You know how all the kids in Peanuts just hear “mwa mwa mwa” whenever an adult speaks? The whole time I was watching this date, all I saw was a beige blur on top of a horse. Agreed, and all those facts above are from google, not the date. Also, I can’t help it, but my gaydar goes through the roof every time I see him. I have no evidence for it, but that’s why they call it the ‘dar.

Then we drive the remaining contestants all the way to Chatsworth to mud wrestle. Dreams do come true. These drunk ladies gave me life, death, and rebirth. Well, the death part was mostly thanks to a weird old guy standing in the back who looked just like the Crypt Keeper. What on earth was he doing there? Fia, did you notice him?

I didn’t!! Do I need to go rewatch? Immediately.

It’s a testament to Rachel’s confidence that she’s letting some of the hottest women from her season spend so much time with her men. Not that I think Raven would go after her BFF’s man but she was wearing a backless shirt and we know that most of these girls are already confirmed for Paradise.

As for this battle between Eric and the rest of the house, I think Rachel handled this exactly right. They clearly have a connection but it’s always concerning when multiple people have his “name in their mouth,” as Eric likes to put it. A lot of this drama was clumsily slapped together and the main fireworks are happening next week, apparently.

I feel bad for Eric here. The insecurities we saw from him at the beginning of the episode seemed like just that – insecurities. They were not about anyone other than him. Yes, he was talking about them a lot – but that is the nature of this show: some people are more comfortable in this setting than others. I don’t think the Bachelor mansion ie “this process” is a great fit for Eric personality wise. I was glad when he was able to push through this in his one-on-one time with Rachel and find some clarity in their relationship. What’s troubling is that Lee is preying on these insecurities and using them to try and make Eric look crazy. I don’t want to spend a lot of time talking about Lee but I think Eric summed it up best himself when he said that you can read someone’s energy. When Eric questioned both Bryce and Lee on their motives re: bringing him up to Rachel, he found Bryce’s energy to be pure and that Lee’s was not. Eric further describes Lee as someone who “has a lot of snake in his DNA”. If anyone is questioning the validity of this statement or how dangerous and disrespectful it was to Rachel and the other contestants to cast Lee on this show  – please refer to the Huffington Post article linked above. Here’s praying last week is the last we have to see / heard / read of him.

NEXT WEEK’S DRINKING GAME WORD: “aggressive,” obvi.

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