Yes Way Rosé
Sunday April 22, 2018

Episode 7: Bentleys, Breitlings and Bubblé

Suggested Rosé Pairing: Join in on the bubblé fun with something a little pinker than the complimentary champs at the Breitling store. Try Bellus Wines La Vie en Bulles, made by one of our faves Jordan Salcito.

Here’s Fia Alvarez and Josh Allen on this week’s action!

JOSH: So now we’re down to six suitors as we head to Geneva, Switzerland, which means that the stakes are getting higher, but not nearly as high as Rachel’s budget for waterproof mascara. And I just realized that with only six suitors left, I still blank on the names of two of them. That can’t bode well. I’m like, hey Peter, sup Eric, how you doin’ Bryan, yo Dean, and then… crickets.

FIA: I feel this is as much a the fault of editing this season as anything else. Usually when we are down to six we have spent plenty of camera time with everyone. But Adam and Matt??? Seriously, who are these people? Have we ever been shown one-on-one time with either of them? A group date, a cocktail party? Anything. I think over the course of the season more screen time and interviews have been given to Adam’s creepy doll from night one than to Adam himself.

(Also I gagged hard on her winter white ensemble. And the gold eyeshadow matching the buttons on her high-waisted pant? Pure eleganza.) She is truly killing it with her style this season. I know there are stylists hired for the lead but Rachel’s elevated runway looks (and abs) vs. Emily Maynard’s ruffled pink dresses and Des’ suburban prom gowns make me wonder how much influence the bachelorette herself has when it comes to picking the clothes. The sneak peek of Rachel’s finale dress? Possibly the greatest dress we’ve ever seen on this show.

Rach “treats” her “man” Bryan to a ride in a Bentley. All I could think about was how serious that insurance policy had to be for them to let Bryan get behind the wheel of that thing. I half expected to see the car getting tugged by a production van. I mean, we have Bentleys, Breitlings, bubbly, boat rides… and a LOT of tonsil hockey. This is one of my favorite weeks during the season, when things take a turn from “let’s have fun mud wrestling” to “TELL ME ABOUT YOUR DIVORCE”

To me, this was Rachel’s #goals date. Unlike most bachelor/ette leads Rachel went back to her job as soon as she was finished filming which a) makes me love her even more b) leads me to believe her salary is nothing to shake a stick at. Add that to Bryan’s chiro practice which I think we can also assume does quite well and you’ve got a coupla fully fledged #DINKS. Even though we can be near positive that it was Rachel ABC who paid for those watches – I liked this beat because treating her man to the finer things is something I see Rachel easily, confidently and classily doing even after the show is over. That moment was kind of the opposite of the Corinne buying Nick a cashmere sweatsuit scene in terms of the sweetness and sincerity with which is played out. Rachel wanting to treat Bryan because she likes him and thought he’d enjoy it – not to show him she could. (Though don’t get me wrong, I LOVE a cashmere sweatsuit.)

Another date card arrives with Dean’s name on it, and the producers are clearly turning up the dial on Adam’s slow-cooker meltdown. He’s falling apart like Grandma’s pot roast. Rachel takes Dean… to church. It looks like these dates are meant to address her misgivings with each individual guy. Rach’s body language indicates that time is short. She’s leaning in, Sheryl Sandberg-style, and wanting more from Dean that she is just not getting. I felt bad for Dean, since he strikes me as a person who giggles when he’s uncomfortable. The more time he spends on this show, the more I’m reminded that he is 25 going on 21. If she has to keep pulling teeth like this, I don’t see how he makes it to Fantasy Suites. Also, it feels like they’re teeing up some Hometown drama, which is a necessity.

Let me just say, based on the preview, I cannot wait to meet Dean’s eccentric father and to see that his baby faced prepster lifestyle is in reaction to and not because of his upbringing. Also this date made me KNOW that Rachel is involved in choosing their activities (as much as she is in picking her gorgeous coats) because I cannot see Mike Fleiss being like – “how bout we go to a mass in French where they won’t be allowed to speak to one another for the first portion of the date?” I love wandering into churches when traveling in foreign cities but it just doesn’t seem very #bachelornation and poor Dean looked like a kid wanting to squirm in the pew.

Rachel’s last one-on-one is with the same guy who had her first — our husband Peter. I am mad jealous, certainly because she’s on a date with my husband, but also because she is on a glacier. The part of America I live in has been roasting so consistently these past couple of weeks that I’m fairly confident we are only a few years from there being no glaciers anywhere anymore. Peter says some Sharleen-reminiscent things about how he is often reminded that he is on a game show and really wants to get his cell phone back and wash his hair without a camera watching. It shares the crap out of Rachel, probably because she’s replaying Des’s season in her head and going “PLEASE DEAR GOD DO NOT BROOKS ME IN TWO WEEKS.” And yes, in case you forgot, “Brooks” is now a verb. As it turns out, Rachel is Peter’s gateway black girl. Then Peter proceeds to choke up as he talks about what must have been a very serious breakup. This is enough “opening up” for Rach to give him the rose and go to his Hometown. Although, let’s be real: Peter would have to have a complete psychotic break not to get that rose.

Just gonna leave this here to make sure we all saw it. Seriously there is some woman out there who turned that guy down in 2005 thinking she dodged a bullet but is now plagued by pictures like these on insta.

If Ricki Lake still had a talk show, Peter would be the guest on one of those “you wouldn’t give me the time of day in high school but now I’m hot” episodes. There would be a huge banner with that old pic on it and then he would tear through it, revealing his toned body and salt-and-pepper foxiness. The episode would be called “From Dud to STUD.” You know, just hypothetically. Not that I’ve given it a lot of thought.

Anyway… Rachel’s group date look might be my favorite so far, mainly because it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Pea coat, giant scarf, hat, boots…and a midriff-baring crop top. And predictably, Adam shows his crazy going off about the word “difficult” on the date card. Oh, Adam… don’t you know Rachel has no freaking clue what the PA’s write on those date cards?? Also that other guy who isn’t Eric has apparently become a deaf-mute, because I still haven’t heard him say much of anything all episode, and I still don’t know his name. OH! It’s Matt. That’s his name. Thank you, show, for finally putting his name up on the screen. Whew.

Now he’s got Rachel alone, and I’m falling asleep while he’s talking, and Rachel starts weeping, and I know what’s coming, and Matt does too. (Side note: I swear on all that is holy, I almost started typing Adam’s name when I meant to type Matt’s. Just now. I almost did that.) But now that Matt’s gone, I’m a little less confused. I really don’t believe Rachel is that into Adam, but he’s from Dallas and she wouldn’t have to relocate or quit her job, so who could blame her for seeing it through? They have the same hometown, so there’s literally no harm in keeping him around. Unfortunately for Adam, though (and I swear I just almost typed Matt… what is wrong with me?), he’s up against Eric, who has no chance of going home.

There was a point in their convo where Adam said something like – “Remember in that hot air balloon when you jumped into my arms and I told you I was falling in love with you and fairies came down from the sky and we danced with them in a dew covered field?” Okay so he only said half of that but even if it he’d said it all we’d have no way to fact check because I think this is literally the first time they’ve ever shown her speaking to Adam. So when she then says stuff like, “I have no idea what I’m going to do” I am so bored I can’t stand it. You’re going to pick Eric! We all spent a lot of time with him on our televisions, emotionally investing in your faux future and we don’t even know Adam’s name. Hand out that rose and let’s get to Baltimore already.

I cannot wait for Hometowns — it looks BATSHIT.

Next week’s drinking game word is obviously “family” — don’t stop until you’re passed out.

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