Yes Way Rosé
Sunday April 22, 2018

Bachelorette Ep 2: No Firetrucking Around

Welcome to week 2 of The Final Rosé Report, our weekly coverage of the new season of The Bachelorette. We are still pumped to have Sofia Alvarez (playwright and screenwriter) and Josh Allen (writer for EMPIRE) here to share their brilliant and sometimes bitchy thoughts with us. Check out their genius recap and our pairing ideas below to make sure you’re stocked up for episode 2 properly.

Suggested Pairing for Episode 2: We suggest our very own Summer Water to pair with this week’s ep for three reasons. 1. It’s delicious and works well with any activity, even basketball (shoutout Barclay’s Center). 2. I want Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis to know about it, this is the main reason TBH, and 3. It’s something Rachel can take back to her room to hydrate with in between kicking off DeMario and that nighttime date.

JOSH: Welcome to another week of Rachel Lindsay’s journey to find love on the border of Ventura County.

I made a grievous error. This week’s drinking game phrase should have been “right reasons.” I anticipated busting out that drinking game phrase for week four or five, but these guys are way more serious than I could ever have imagined. Also I would have applied for The Bachelorette if I knew they’d be serving Moscow Mules at noon.

FIA: Ah yes, if Chris Harrison walks into the house and tells semi-circle point blank: “I hope you all are here for the right reasons” you just KNOW there is a scorned ex-girlfriend in a producer van chomping at the bit.

Also, can we take a moment to wonder what behind-the-scenes middle-school-handwriting-phenom was fired because for the first time since I started watching this show (Ben F’s season) the handwriting on those date cards has CHANGED!

Oh boy. Here come Ashton and Mila. This is an awkward bit. Although I’m glad Mila likes white wine. But dear Mila, not all of these contestants have jobs. “Whabooooom” and “Tickle Monster” are not jobs. “Future Bachelor in Paradise Cast Member” is a job.

Fun fact – they did a CU on Fred when Mila asked if they all had jobs. He shook his head “YES” enthusiastically. However, I know for a fact that the executive Fred was assisting in LA told him that no, she would not be holding his job should he choose to participate in this franchise. So, that’s a NO Fred, I’m afraid you are currently jobless. Point to you, Josh, because you are 100% that the next line of Fred’s resume is about to read “Paradise”. Everyone loves a bad kid in Mexico.

Fia, was it Des’s season when we called the group of guys a “bag of hammers” or a “sunburnt box of wrenches”? I’m getting a lot of that during this obstacle course. And I reserve a group date rose for the poor PA’s who had to set up this obstacle course in the blazing sun.

Yes, the bag full of hammers was Des’s season but as opposed to Rachel’s crew most of whom I presume the producers found at the outdoor gym on the Venice Beach boardwalk, Des’s tools were mostly shipped in from the Jersey Shore.

I take back everything I said. Mila and Ashton are the absolute perfect people to facilitate this challenge. Can they please do every challenge? Also, can we please figure out how to be at their house on Monday nights for white wine/vodka tonics/pizza/Bachelorette? (I might have added the pizza part.)

Knowing their at home drinks are white wine / vodka tonic is such a little golden nugget into their marriage. Although I seriously doubt Ashton’s claim that he knew Mila was the one on day one considering they met when she was a teenager and then he married Demi Moore.

Okay, you know what? We need a moment to talk about Whaboooom. And I don’t care how many o’s are in Whabooooooooom. There are as many o’s as I feel like typing. He obviously wrote that poem in 3rd grade. It’s on the kind of paper that you rip out of the same notebook where you do your Social Studies homework and write down your fraction problems for the week. How else do you explain the made-up word “entile”? But despite all that, I still think Lucas is dumb for playing his Whaboom card this early. I don’t care that he lives with Whaboooom’s ex-girlfriend. Whabooooooooooooooooooooom was on his way to flaming out, but Lucas causing conflict and wasting his alone time yelling at Rachel just prolongs his time here. Dear Lucas: if you think that’s going to prolong your time here, you’re sorely mistaken. (Correction: under the end credits, we got educated on the proper spelling of “Whaaaboooom.” But if you think I care enough to go back and correct this whole paragraph, you haven’t been drinking enough summer water.)

J –  Lucas and the Whaboom are the same person. I think you are referring to the aspiring drummer above as Lucas? I don’t know his name either, so let’s just call him TheAD. As in TheAD is digging his own grave. At first TheAD’s infatuation with Lucas made me question whether he really wants the Whaaabooom for himself? But now I am thinking it has more to do with TheWhaboom’s ex / TheAD’s current roommate who is maybe at this moment evicted for talking shit the The Whaboom about TheAD? It’s all very confusing but we can agree has NOTHING to do with Rachel and thus I don’t need it taking up time in an episode where I could be swooning over Peter and Rachel and learning more about what was said in the therapy session they both attended to figure out how as two spectacular super humans they are both still single at 31.

It’s Week Two. I’m proud of myself for knowing anyone’s name.

Side note for this group date: could anything be hotter than having a guy explain how to wipe a baby’s ass? Can someone please get these guys drunk and a little handsy?

Iggy was the only one I would trust with an actual baby and he was first in the dog house. I would like all future fathers out there to understand that despite what this challenge would have to think when wiping a baby’s ass and putting said baby in a carrier – the endgame should not be “speed”.

As soon as I thought that, in walks Dean. I spit out my wine and swore out loud the second he sat down. He has a weird goofy smile but HOLY GOLDFISH is he hot. I completely slept on him week one. But he’s 25 and works in tech so I think he’s a clueless goofball, like one of those Doberman puppies that doesn’t know his own strength. I don’t think he gets that he needs to step up. Rachel was giving him every sign possible to make a move. (Or was that just me trying to live vicariously through her? I’m a total creep.) Thank God he kissed her after she gave him the rose. She and I are sooooooo into him. We are gonna make an amazing throuple and live happily ever after together.

J, one of the best parts of recapping this show with you is knowing we are never gonna fall out over a guy. I give you Dean and hope you three are very happy together.

“Listen. I’m a pro wrestler. I know all about white dudes acting crazy.” Will you please make sure someone writes that on my tombstone? Kenny is my new spirit animal. Also the second I thought “isn’t he older?” Rachel was literally like “so you’re 35, right?”

Kenny started out strong with the one liners in episode one and continues to slay with the line above. I don’t see him making it to hometowns but Rachel clearly respects him so here’s hoping he stick around til final six so we can receive this golden commentary thru all group outings.

Peter and his hotness

Then, because God answers prayers, Peter get the first one-on-one. He’s our OG crush from week one and he’s still hot as a knife through soft butter. And he makes a double-breasted suit work in Palm Springs. I give up. Also, when they started talking about them at their respective dentists about their gaps in their teeth, I almost cried. Although, as someone who spent 18 years of my life with a gap in my teeth, I call B.S. on these life-affirming magic dentists who don’t want any money from you. Suddenly dentists are in the business of not making you spend money and countless months in braces? They’re saying things like “your gap gives you character”? Yeah no.

My thoughts on Peter above. Swoon. Also – this is the first guy we’ve seen make Rachel nervous. Rachel Lindsay is not an easy girl to make nervous. But you can tell she’s sweating Peter hard and her defenses are down. Oh man. Peter. Do. Not. Mess. This. Up. For. Her.

Also – do you think any viewers actually signed up for a BarkBox after this date?

Aside from the presence of the legend Mr. Abdul-Jabbar, this basketball segment bored me. I didn’t know what to anticipate other than some sort of “White Men Can’t Jump” reboot. I was surprised to hear anyone was even keeping score. I always glaze over during these sports segments because I don’t know how DeMario’s basketball skills are supposed to correlate to Rachel. But then here comes a random with a scrunchie and strange boots who says she’s “in a relationship” with DeMario and suddenly nothing matters anymore. If D is supposed to be the villain of the season, this is really early to turn that card. I will say, though, that I want a gif of DeMario’s sad attempt to turn his look of shock into an innocent “who’s this?”

For all the #wrongreasons, I was sad that this most likely means the end of the road for DeMario. It’s not that I wanted Rachel to end up with him or anything but she is flirtatiously skeptical of him in a way I found cute and entertaining and I don’t see their dynamic mirrored with many of the other men in the house. Plus, he’s cute. His ITMs can be charming. Yes he’s full of himself. So what? I thought he was good TV. Ugh. I hate that girl in the pink shirt. Didn’t Robby have a gf last season he ghosted to go on this show? And he still got to stay til the finale!

Despite DeMario’s lame hemming and hawing, Scrunchie Boots and her nails continue to verbally assault DeMario and swear on kittens and dad’s graves that D never actually broke up with her. Mad props to Rach for her prosecuting skills and that very harsh dismissal. She dropped a word that started with “F” and ended with “U-C-K.” Spoiler alert: it wasn’t “firetruck.” All I have to say is, don’t mess with Texas. Rachel is 31 years old and she is not here to firetruck around. This CANNOT be the last we see of DeMario, though. They did too much setting up and wasn’t he prominently in the promo packages?

This situation is tricky because everyone is right. Rachel was right to send him home. Scrunchie Boots was right to think DeMario was still her boyfriend. And DeMario was right that Scrunchie Boots is fucking crazy.

One of my favorite things to do during group dates and cocktail parties on this show is to measure how far apart Rachel chooses to sit from each guy on various pieces of furniture. You can really tell how into someone Rachel is by the amount of brown velour she puts between herself and him. I still don’t know any of these guys’ names (and apparently there’s a Russian guy here?), but clearly some front-runners are emerging, like Josiah and Eric, who found out what the back of Rachel’s throat tasted like. Seriously, they made out for like an hour and a half.

This is a tested measure of Josh’s prowess when it comes to predicting a winner. Thinking back to Des’s season, when I (and everyone else) was firmly in the Brooks camp, Josh called her eventual marriage (and baby!) to Chris simply by the fact that she always sat next to him. Don’t believe us? Check the archives.

Can we also talk about Rachel’s blinged out Cookie Lyon fur moment at the cocktail party? I audibly screamed “YAAAAASSSSSS” as she walked into the room. And of course, because this is television, her night is ruined by the presence of DeMario at the gate. I really really need Rachel to stand her ground in this moment. If she lets DeMario back in, that sets a dangerous precedent.

But I would love it!

NEXT WEEK’S DRINKING WORD: “drama”

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