Yes Way Rosé
Sunday April 22, 2018

Yes Way Rachel Lindsay!

Welcome to the first installment of The Final Rosé Report, our weekly coverage of the new season of The Bachelorette. We are honored to have two esteemed and hilarious guest writers to give you weekly recaps, so please welcome Sofia Alvarez and Josh Allen, aka the artists formerly known as Playwrights Discuss the Bachelor. Catch up here on last week’s season premiere, and stay tuned for more on the second episode later this week.

Suggested Pairing for Episode 1: Hoxie Spritzer. The first night is always a long one at the mansion, and with these yummy low-alcohol rosé spritzers you can keep up with the contestants ’til the first rose ceremony at sunrise.

Meet your fearless recappers, Sofia + Josh:

SOFIA ALVAREZ: After a post-Kaitlyn hiatus we are back! We just couldn’t fathom blogging thru boring Ben, Jojo’s taste in men who resembled roided up vanilla wafers, or Nick’s selfie addiction. Plus our friends at YWR promised us a fountain full of #summerwater if we agreed to succumb to our fans demands and reboot our blog over here at The Yes Way Report. How could we say no?

JOSH ALLEN: I am happy about a lot of things.

I am happy about teaming up with Yes Way Rosé. I am happy about rosé in general. And most importantly, I am happy about reuniting with my sister from another mister to recap an already historic season of the Bachelorette. In the 33 combined seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, there has never been a lead of color. Sure, we’ve had various contestants of color, but never one as well-known and well-liked as Rachel. Also, she’s a former First Impression Rose winner.

I am also extremely happy about a Bachelorette named Rachel Lindsay. Every Bachelorette should have two first names that are both sorority girl names.

SA: I realize I was harsh about our former bachelor/ettes. Carrying a show is no easy feat. It’s easy to love someone as a contestant and loathe them as a lead but I don’t think that is going to be a problem here. Rachel seems to have her shit firmly together.

JA: So together, in fact, that we get to watch her very intense lawyering from an unflatteringly low camera angle. Can we talk about these weird scenes that make the Bachelorettes look idiotic and not like people who have been to real law school? At least we got to go with Andi on a “gang raid.” Production put zero money into that flimsy courtroom set and didn’t even give any dialogue to those extras. Although this line from Rachel is something I would have written in a script (so you guys can tell how corny I am as a writer):

“I’m ready to just focus on the part of my life that I’m so talented at neglecting.”

Here are some initial thoughts on the promo packs:

Jack Stone’s teeth are so white it’s distracting. They are “ross-gellar-glow-in-the-dark” white.

I feel bad for the woman who agreed to have her personal training section filmed. Like, she does not look like an actor. That pain is real.

I have a soft-spot for Diggy even though he says some goofy stuff and I don’t see him sticking around long. Perhaps it’s because I married a man who also had more sneakers than two human feet could ever need. 

Josiah is so good at that old drama school chestnut – pretend there is someone on the other end of the phone when there isn’t. But OH MY GOD what is happening – they are making him look at the tree he cut his dead brother down from. This is too much for episode one.

I had some thoughts about the guys’ packages too (tee hee):

Jack Stone’s teeth are so pearly and badass that you have to say his whole name every time. Like he’s either a hard-boiled 1940s detective or a 1960s matinee idol or a 1970s porn star. Or maybe he’s all three of those things. Maybe he’s undead and his curse-slash-blessing of this decade is that he gets to be on reality television.

I did not know that your husband is a sneaker freak! The more you know.

I too was charmed by Josiah’s one-sided phone call about that really really bad guy that they’re definitely going to nab one day. They’re gonna lock up that ne’er-do-well and throw away the key. And you can take that to the bank. Speaking of which, there are sooooo many lawyers in this season’s cast. Guys. Rachel is a real human being who has interests other than her profession… right?

Maybe it was collateral damage from Josiah’s back story but I got teary when Rachel was talking to the girls from her season – especially Raven. There should be a spin off called #squad about the friendships made in the house. As we’ve said before – they are the true love story. Look no further than the former-future-mrs.higgins and former-future-mrs.murray’s new “modeling with my bff” catalogue careers.

You’ve never been more correct. The joy of my life (well, one of the joys, let’s not get too sad) is seeing all the fun these women have in their real-life friendships on social media once they’ve cycled out of Bachelor Pad and Bachelor in Paradise and Bachelor in Space and whatever else they’re going to spin off now that Rachel’s season has debuted to great ratings.

Side note: it was difficult to pay complete attention to this conversation with her girls because WHO DECORATED THAT ROOM. I know I shouldn’t go full-on gay in our first YWR recap, but one great green accent couch? Fantastic. Whatever that oompa-loompa room was? Monstrous.

Peter got first out of limo, romantic music and a solid moment with Big Rach (know that’s what the girls call her from instastalking!)

Here are other random notes from watching. It’s week one so names will come later –

*Colombian chiropractor (Bryan?)

*Rob law student gross.

*Urkel. We’ve got an Urkel. (Okay, this was particularly painful for me because I used to get mistaken for Jaleel White in malls when I was younger. I did enjoy his transformation into Stefan Urkell though. Because the most important lesson to be learned is that wearing glasses is gross and not wearing glasses is hot.)

So now you tell me when at 32 I just had to get my first pair of glasses!

I smiled when DeMario said he could imagine his and Rachel’s “first christmas” but I feel they are setting him up as our villain with sound bytes like: “I’m the number one seat, period” Plus, Whitney warned her about him.

There were so many puns in these intros it was like an episode of Sex and the City and the aspiring drummer is auditioning to be the new Carrie Bradshaw.

They keep showing Eric, DeMario and Josiah walking together. Do we already have a clique forming? I predict these three go far. We have already seen so much air time of Josiah that I don’t see him to be going anywhere fast. Eric was the fan favorite of the four dudes from AFTR and DeMario is our likely villain.

DeMario is very clearly being set up as a villain. If you weren’t sure, pay attention to the warning from Whitney and the setup in the “This Season On” promo. You can almost see the Shiri Appleby producer going up to Rachel and being like “remember to tell that guy you heard this shady gossip from DeMario. Otherwise we can’t set up our other plot points for this episode. Mmkaythanx”

Insider scoop: Fred was scouted in a mall and asked if he would go on a date with Rachel. When shown her photo he said he went to elementary school with her. I bet a hot tub full of sweat, semen, rose petals and axe body spray says producers knew all that and more before they approached him.

I can’t believe he was actually nervous he wouldn’t get a rose on the first episode. He’s the only one who has prior history with Rachel. Do you know how many times they invite back crazies from previous seasons just to maintain continuity and give the audience a familiar face? The built-in storyline of Rachel getting to know grown-up Fred and see him in a whole new light is way too good to pass up.

That doll is so scary. But I LOL’d at the french bits. And props to the Marine who said the little doll is almost as bad as trying to tickle her. I liked this guy’s commentary, sad he is gone. Maybe the Marine can go to Paradise? Also appreciated Kenny the Wrestler’s comment, “If that thing turns into Anabelle and moves into different rooms, I’m burning it myself.”

Adam Junior cannot come back in subsequent episodes. Every time Rachel mentions that doll, she does it with an attempt at a smile but we can see under that smile that her terror is quite real. And I can’t blame her. We’ve had enough insane horror movies about dolls that I just don’t understand why anyone thought this would be a cute thing for more than one beat.

Whoa Bryan got the first kiss! I think she likes that he’s older. There are a lot of boys here. I don’t know many 31 year old women who are looking to settle down with a 26 yo.

HA! Yes. Bryan took a look around and was like, “I’m finally somewhere where it’s cool to be 37.” Like, when does anyone ever lead with their age? But as soon as he said it, Rachel was so relieved I’m surprised she didn’t just give him a handy then and there.

I like that she doesn’t claim she thinks her husband is in the room and is more accurately describes the situation as having “potential”.

Contrast that with every single guy being like “no but she’s MY WIFE.” “What were you doing talking to MY WIFE?” And they were saying this after one Bud Light. The first time it’s sort of halfway funny but then it just starts getting weird.

I don’t remember who said this (DeMario?) but I liked it: “If she chooses whaboom [for FIR] all of us need to reexamine what we think is fly.”

Damn Bryan is trying to eat her face! Somebody stop him. She needs that face. She’s the bachelorette! I like the Spanish language so much I studied it for years, even more years than I had to. But by the third time, it was officially annoying. It’s clear she knows enough Spanish to know what you’re saying, so the bit is kind of over. I do, however, appreciate any guy who can read the Bachelorette enough to be confident that his first kiss move won’t backfire.

Who the hell is Will? Very fair question.

Peter is hot. I’m not leaving my boyfriend for Peter, but he could definitely get it.

Jonathan. Come on. She did not pick that guy!

I am completely floored by the selection of Mr. Whaboom. My thought is that this was the first episode and the producers get a freebie, and I guess they looked at Whaboom and saw that he could provide antics? Or something? I think it’s a testament to how boring they find the rest of these guys. Like I feel like we’re really short on d-bags and crazy jealous possessives this season. But I’ll give them a chance.

Case in point: why did the “I’m the best dressed here” guy go home and not Whaboom? That guy had the potential to at least be Ian from Kaitlyn’s season.

Okay – that’s all she wrote. Thoughts are usually sporadic in Ep. One. I was curious that neither Josiah nor DeMario have much screen time in the promo despite having lots of screentime in ep one. It’s also clear that I was wrong about our eventually villain. It’s not DeMario it’s some guy from Nashville. Is he the one who brought the guitar?

We also get a peek of a teary ITM from Rachel where she says (paraphrasing) “I didn’t want to get into this…there’s so much pressure…I know people are going to judge me for this.” I think this is about her ultimately not choosing a black man as the winner or possibly not having any black men in her final three. She did a interview a few weeks ago where she talked about feeling pressure to choose a black guy as the winner but that she just has to follow her own path so it seems like this was on her mind going into the season. And nothing wrong with it, but she does seem to like the Ken dolls…

And from what she’s teased re: her still being engaged, I feel like she was already fast-forwarding to ATFR and having to deal with America’s expectations on her back. Because she really can’t win here. Either she chooses a black man and people say she caved to pressure and picked someone just to quiet the haters, or she chooses someone non-black and has to hear from the haters.

If Rach wants her swirl babies, I say more power to her.

Thanks to all our friends at Yes Way Rosé for making room for our snark this season!

NEXT WEEK’S DRINKING WORD: “journey” — sip some pink wine every time you hear it

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